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Males only Please—X Rated Blog

16 Nov

G,day

Emu here

How you all doing out there behind me screen

Well I was having a couple of beers today

With me old mate Phil, you know Phil

I told you about him before

Well I gotta tell you the ridgy didge truth

Phil is an old timer

Shit he even remembers when his mum

First dyed her hair in that blue rinse stuff

And boiled their clothes in a copper boiler

Anyway Phil knows I peck away at this com you see

And he wants me to pass on some old timer tips

For you blokes

So all you sheilas out there this is a bloke’s blog

So go an make a coffee

Or do some girly female stuff

Or scroll down

Okay you blokes

We is safe

Now Phil wants me to tell you about his first encounter

With these new fangled things called condoms

Now these were invented after us kids

 just got used to using that glad wrap stuff in grade seven at school

With the older girls at school

Remember that stuff mum used to wrap the meat in

Well we did too at school hehehe

Now Phil found out the hard way you don’t need

To use gladwrap any more

You see in his days in Australia’s outback pubs

Every pub had a vending machine for chewie’s

You know chewing gum

Well Phil wacked his sixpence in

and went back to the bar

But after a few minutes realized it tasted like rubber

He said it had no sugar taste

So one of his mates explained

This new condom stuff to him

After that he was okay

Now here’s a few tips from Phil

On using condoms instead of gladwrap

And I know they is true

Cos Phil’s me mate

Now never buy clear ones he said

Cos there’s a trap with them ones

What can happen he said is that after you do the deed?

If you get me drift

And have your smoke and fall asleep

Then you heading for trouble

You see what Phil said is

If you wake up doing the night

And need to go for a snakes hiss

And Your still half asleep

You suddenly look down and wonder why

You holding a balloon and what birthday party

You went to

Ok so the secret there is to get the coloured condoms

Now forget them ribbed bullshit ones

Ffs if God wanted you born with warts

On your cock

He would have made you that way

Anyway some females like them

Cos it gives them something to grip onto

Now Phil’s last tip for you blokes

Don’t and I mean don’t

Leave them lying around under your bed after

You can forget

And there’s nothing worse he said

Than waking up and having to chase a choking cat around the house

In the rudey nudey

And particularly more so

If he gets through the cat door and outside

The neighbours look at you funny

See where Phil lives

They don’t understand such things

And a naked guy racing up the road

Chasing a cat

Can give them weird ideas

So that’s Phil’s tips on condoms

Have a grouse week guys

Catch ya’s around the traps

Emu

 photo aussieemu21.gif

 photo old_cowboy.jpg

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33 Comments

Posted by on November 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

33 responses to “Males only Please—X Rated Blog

  1. Monica

    January 27, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    Oops – looks like I “liked” the one I wasn’t supposed to read – really just trying to comment on the gecko – heading there now.

     
    • The Emu

      January 30, 2015 at 12:02 pm

      Hope this blog didnt embarrass you too much Monica.
      Not sure what I was thinking when writing that one.
      Kind regards
      Ian

       
  2. RMW

    January 14, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Ha ha ha… visiting your blog for the first time. My cat (male) insisted on reading this, so it’s all okay!

     
    • The Emu

      January 16, 2015 at 8:10 am

      Greetings RMW, thanks for the visit and comment, glad you appreciated my bit of humour there.
      I actually run another site that is mainly Love and Romance if you care to visit.
      http://aussieian2010.wordpress.com/
      Thanks for the visit and hope you have a beaut weekend.
      Ian aka Emu

       
  3. reocochran

    January 14, 2015 at 1:29 am

    Hope you are having a pleasant vacation and that you will always be happy. Hope you have a great New Year in 2015! Thanks for your recent comments about pirating music, Ian!

     
    • The Emu

      January 14, 2015 at 7:22 am

      Thank you for your visit and kind comment my friend, yes the vacation period is over for another year, Easter will soon be upon us and the retailers will once again, do a roaring trade, hope you had a great start to the New year, I see in my emails I have some catching up to do on your posts.
      Hoping you are well and wishing you much happiness.
      Kind regards
      Ian aka Emu

       
  4. Jenna

    January 13, 2015 at 11:05 pm

    My gawd Emu….have you no shame??

     
    • The Emu

      January 14, 2015 at 7:10 am

      Nope, no shame whatsoever Jenna, I am a bad bad Emu boy, hehe.
      Regards
      Emu aka Ian

       
  5. cat

    December 22, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    Where are you, Ian ??? … Miss you … Merry X Mass and a Happy New Year … Love, cat.

     
    • The Emu

      December 23, 2014 at 12:50 pm

      Good evening Dear Cat, always a pleasure to find you in my world.
      Haven’t been around much lately Cat, the old 15 year old com shit itself a few weeks back.
      Seems it had a nervous breakdown and was in intensive care for a while, my whole com has changed around a lot now.
      I get your posts in email now and can read them and comment there, get them in my wordpress but cant access them there, at least I can still track you down and stalk you around the system.
      I have a backlog of posts to catch up on, will take me a while I think, considering Christmas is breathing down our neck.
      Wishing you a beautiful Christmas Princess, and looking forward to having you in my world in the New Year.
      Much love Dear girl.
      Emu aka Ian

       
  6. giselzitrone

    December 18, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Thank you Küsse Gislinde

     
    • The Emu

      December 19, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      Good evening Dear Gislinde.
      Wishing you much love my Dear Freund, I hope you are well and happy.
      Wishing you a beautiful Christmas, Santa must visit you this year, he always visits beautiful girls like you Gislinde
      Kindest regards
      Ian aka Emu

       
  7. gpcox

    December 2, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    Did I ever send you this link? You 2 might have things in common….

    http://vietnammedic.wordpress.com/

     
    • The Emu

      December 17, 2014 at 5:49 am

      Hi gp, sorry for the delay in responding, the old antique computer finally had a nervous breakdown and required extensive surgery, about 8 days in all to carry out a major overhaul, thanks for that link, you did send it to me previously, and I am following the medics posts.
      Way behind in catching up on posts gp, due to the com down, but will catch up, albeit slowly.
      Merry Christmas mate.
      Ian

       
      • gpcox

        December 17, 2014 at 11:41 am

        Take your time, this is a hectic season and hopefully these posts will be around for a long time.

         
        • The Emu

          December 19, 2014 at 1:01 pm

          Good evening gp, certainly a very busy time of the year everywhere.
          Posts will be around for a long time, but its the friendship behind the posts that count.
          Friendship knows no bounds mate, cheers
          Ian aka Emu

           
  8. Sue Dreamwalker

    November 26, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Ian, just sat crying with tears of laughter as I read this out loud to hubby who also had a great chuckle. 🙂 Never change dear friend 🙂

     
    • The Emu

      November 30, 2014 at 11:57 pm

      Its one of my earlier storys Sue, as you probably recognised.
      Still good for a bit of a laugh.
      Cheers
      Ian

       
      • Sue Dreamwalker

        December 1, 2014 at 11:49 am

        Yes it was a great Laugh.. Had Hubby laughing his head off. 🙂

         
  9. giselzitrone

    November 25, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Wünsche dir einen glücklichen Dienstag lieber Gruß Gislindehttps://zitroneblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/herbst55.gif

     
    • The Emu

      November 30, 2014 at 11:49 pm

      Guten Morgen Gislinde, hoffen, dass Sie ein tolles Wochenende hatten
      Sehr heißes Wetter heute hier, Temperaturen in den 40 Grad
      In der Hoffnung, Sie sind gut und ich wünsche Ihnen eine schöne Woche.
      Ian

       
  10. giselzitrone

    November 21, 2014 at 12:17 pm


    Wünsche dir ein glückliches schönes wee-kend lieber Gruß von mir Gislinde

     
    • The Emu

      November 23, 2014 at 7:44 am

      Thank you Dear Gislinde and thank you for the lovely Rose.
      Wishing you much love my friend.
      Ian aka Emu

       
  11. gpcox

    November 20, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    I wonder why I didn’t see this in my Reader; the Follow button still says on on your list – well, anyway – it’s great!!
    [off topic – I think you might enjoy this sight, the man seems into Australian history and the Aborigines. Take a peek and give me your opinion when you get the chance.]
    http://suchledtwo.wordpress.com/about/

     
    • The Emu

      November 23, 2014 at 8:02 am

      Hi gp, thanks for that great link, the member is about 3 hours drive from me and from his site, appears to have a great historical knowledge of our area, and the same things I am interested in, definitely following up his site.
      Many thanks mate, and glad you liked my condom story.
      Cheers
      Ian aka Emu

       
      • gpcox

        November 23, 2014 at 10:57 am

        That’s fantastic, I’m glad it worked out!!

         
        • The Emu

          November 24, 2014 at 3:26 am

          Thanks gp, worked out real well mate, seems our historical interests are the same, and we are both in the same State.
          Cheers
          Ian

           
  12. giselzitrone

    November 18, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Oh lieber Emu was für ein schöner Text liebe Grüße von mir und einen glücklichen Tag.Gislinde

     
    • The Emu

      November 18, 2014 at 11:23 pm

      Guten Morgen Gislinde, schön, von Ihnen zu hören und danke für den Besuch, in der Hoffnung Sie gesund und glücklich sind, sende Ihnen eine große Umarmung aus Australien
      Ian

       
  13. Mélanie

    November 16, 2014 at 10:58 am

    funny and cute Emu-Ian… cheers! 🙂

     
    • The Emu

      November 17, 2014 at 10:57 am

      Bit rude I know Melanie, cant think what was going through my mind when I wrote that.
      Bit of fun in words I hope.
      Regards
      Ian

       
  14. prenin

    November 16, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Yup! 🙂

    Years on I’m STILL laughing!!! 🙂

    God Bless my friend!!! 🙂

    Prenin.

     
    • The Emu

      November 16, 2014 at 10:08 am

      Hi Prenin, was bored this afternoon and browsed my old posts and found this old one.
      Glad you still got a laugh out of my bit of nonsense.
      Cheers mate
      Ian

       

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